I got asked some questions as part of a project on intersex and variations of sex development. I thought I would share these and my responses with you below.
Do you have an affirmation or mantra that you live your life by?
No, not really. The only thing I do say, and I have said quite a few times, is "control the controllables'.
How does your style reflect who you are and give you confidence? Do you have a piece of clothing that makes you feel good? or do you have a pampering routine to feel good about your body?
My style is something I'm still looking at developing. If I was to describe it in one word I would call it androgenous. I love a sharp looking suit, with clear lines. Ties and bow-ties add to this also. Wearing this and not being afraid to embrace what is truly me and 'my look', I feel comfortable and confident. If you feel comfortable then confidence is sure to follow.
Do you have a supportive group of friends? Was this the case when you were a teenager? If not what did you have to do to make the changes you needed to make?
My friends have been amazing - since discovering I am Intersex they have been alongside me all the way; listening to me on the phone, late night walks and providing support and advice along the way. At school I had friends, but I struggled socially - I felt like I didn't really fit in, especially in Secondary School. I wanted to play sports and that really wasn't accepted among the other kids at my school. I was different, but I didn't know how or why, the other kids picked up on that and I was bullied - a lot. So, I segregated myself - I spent break and lunch times in the library - immersing myself in books to escape the bullying and the way I felt. As I have become older I have put myself out there more - if you ask my partner, she'll tell you that I'll talk to anyone. Meeting new people is always daunting but exciting. I have a fantastic group of friends, who I would never be without; and the most amazing girlfriend, whose support has been my rock.
How do you manage your social media (especially if you are triggered by content)
Social media is a tricky one. Working in marketing and advertising it's great for getting messages out and creating exposure. It's good to create dialogue - that's the only way you can generate change. However, I have heard stories about negativity and abuse across these platforms, so always be cautious of what you're putting out there and who you allow to comment. Personally, I have had only positive interactions on any of my content that I have put out across all social media platforms; I believe this is due to the individuals and organisations I am following and interacting with.
What is the difference between privacy and secrecy- how has learning this helped you?
Looking at it, privacy is used to protect and preserve an individuals identity; whereas, secrecy is where things are deliberately hidden and not talked about - what this does is it creates an air of silence, like it shouldn't be talked about and is taboo. Understanding this has enabled me to see that only by making it public creates dialogue and conversation.
How do you deal with difficult emotions?
Finding out later in life has been very hard and at times I was overwhelmed by the information I was finding, which as you can imagine raised a lot of emotions, my best friend recommended to me that I start writing all my thoughts and feelings down, which has helped me in a) processing the information, and b) all the emotions that came with it.
How do you manage feelings of shame?
When I was a child my condition wasn't spoken about, I would go to my appointments, but we never spoke about it. This created an air of secrecy and when you have secrecy it creates shame and stigma. I felt deep down that I couldn't speak about it - that I shouldn't speak about it.
Did you ever have troubling thoughts and do you still have them? how do you manage them?
I've had some very dark moments since discovering that I am intersex and my medical past. The single piece of advice I can give that helped me, is to speak. Find someone you can talk to, either a friend, a family member or through a support group/network. This helped me so much - it helped me put things into perspective. Fortunately, I have worked and been through my darkest time, but sometimes there are niggling thoughts and emotions that I need to deal with, but I am so glad I have people around me whose support and love helps so much.
How did you find sex education in school?
Sex education was focused mainly on male/female anatomy and heterosexual relationships. LGBT+ was not discussed or even acknowledged (however, this was almost twenty years ago). I hope times have changed whereby sex education discusses and includes all genders and sexuality to have a more rounded approach to it's content.
As an adult have you developed a more positive view of sex and relationships than when you were a teen?
Yes, my whole outlook on sex and relationships has changed since I was a teenager. As a teenager I saw my contemporaries getting into relationships and talking about boys. It was also all I saw on television and in the media. I never knew that I could be any different. I have always felt attraction towards women, but I always pushed it to the back of my mind, as I believed it wasn't right and I shouldn't feel that way. It wasn't until my discovery that I embraced this side of me. I met my girlfriend who has been my rock ever since.
What does family mean to you?
Family is important. Having the love, support and openness of loved ones has helped me tremendously on my journey of self-discovery. Advice I would give to family members, especially parents, is to communicate - be open with your child, sibling, grandchild.
How did hospital appointments make you feel as a teenager, did you do anything to make them easier?
This is hard for me. Looking back on them now I have a different perception of them. As a teenager I just 'went along with it' - never questioned it. I remember being in the room with my Pediatric Endocrinology Consultant who would ask me extremely personal questions; like, "are you sexually active" - in front of my Mum. I would never answer that honestly with her sitting right there. I would also be physically examined, poked and prodded, with their registrars looking on and observing. This was very distressing - especially not knowing about my medical condition and being intersex. This made me feel extremely small and like I was some sort of experiment or freak.
Have you reached acceptance about your variation? What was your journey like?
I believe, now, yes I have come to some form of acceptance about my variation. I still have moments and things I need to process - especially when I find out new information or I am brought back to my past. My journey has been a hard one. I have had many downs - but also some ups. Being able to embrace my authentic-self with the support of family, friends and colleagues has given me so much confidence and happiness.
Recommended signposts for young people for psychosocial support:
My personal experience has come from my adult Endocrine clinic - whereby I have had several sessions since my discovery with the clinical psychologist attached to the clinic. I believe most clinics now have, or are looking to have, this service attached to them. This was a self-referral - I had to ask for this support, but once I asked I was given it. I would always recommend this as your first port of call because these Psychologists that are attached to the clinic will have knowledge around these conditions and variations of sex development.
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