The letter below is for parents who have an intersex child offering advice and highlighting my personal experiences of discovering being intersex.
Dear Parent,
Right now, I can only imagine the variety and number of emotions you are feeling - and you have every right to feel the way that you do.
I just want to provide some insight and tips in regards to moving forward and life with an intersex child.
My stepmother said to me when I first discovered that I am intersex:
”Being intersex is a part of you - it doesn’t define you.”
This is true. It does not define us. However, we do still want to understand our full-selves and by sharing as much knowledge at an earlier age, you will be able to help them embrace their full-selves earlier and easier.
Personally, I discovered that I was intersex in my late twenties and this raised a lot of questions as well as some really strong emotions.
Having something so big hidden from me for so long definitely created a lot of shock and self-doubt when it eventually came to light.
I found out and discovered this part of me whilst sat in my room, alone; and that's no way for someone to discover this about themselves.
My advice to you is to talk. Sit your child down and explain things to them; and continue to do so as they grow up.
Be there for them - they will need your love, support and guidance through this.
But please, please, never consent on your child’s behalf for them to undergo ‘normalising‘ surgery. This is a decision only they can make for themselves and it can wait until they are of an age to make it for themselves.
Taking this decision out of their hands will cause them a lot of self-doubt as they get older. You may think that it will help them ‘fit in’, but it won’t - deep down they’ll know they’re different, but not knowing how will cause them more confusion and will inevitably lead to the formation of self-doubt.
Seek guidance from your child’s doctor, join and participate in closed forums or social media groups - these can be really helpful, and finally listen - hear what your child has to say, be patient and take time to answer their questions.
Communication will help lead them to embrace their full-selves; so - talk, talk, talk.